Life in a Small Town
I was still devastated from the death of Eyton Bonner, reluctantly I headed back to school but socially unable to participate in normal day activity. Not to mention, the nightmares that won’t stop. Imagine how much torment I felt from what my father said and just seeing a man die.
I was 12, riding this roller coaster called life. I was hoping to overcome everything thrown at me. How much more can there be?
If things could only get better. To my dismay, my father fell back on his bad habit of staying out again. Of course, that meant we were on our way back to Coal Run, Ohio. Sadly, we had to leave our Doberman Pincher "Sadie" behind and her 13 newly born puppies. Dad promised that he would soon unite them on his first visit to see us.
Mom, however, heard from a neighbor about two months later. She said "the police and humane society removed 12 pup corpses and their mother. They all had starved to death and been abandoned and their dad was no where to be found". Needless to say, more tragedy and reason to hate, but I continued to hope I could still have a father/son relationship or did I?
Mom, me and my siblings had really settled into Coal Run again. We moved into the house next door to our grandmother. It had no toilet or bathroom, or even a shower or bath tub. So, we relied on grandma's house for that, or the outhouse and it was scary to use, and the p-pots were just something they did not enjoy.
I remember bits and pieces from the next year. Mom working at a nursing home, and the winter's were so cold. We would all make beds in the living room of our house since it was the only place there was any heat in our home. I remember a fond memory, of me, mom, and my brother and sister sitting in front of the heater watching the snow out the window and enjoying the movie "Snow White". We may not have had the luxuries, but we were happy at home.
I just remember me and my siblings playing with our cousins a lot. I recalls the early mornings; running to grandma's and beating on the door as soon as she awoke to use the bathroom. We had already held it all night long. I even recalls something very strange, my uncle who lived with their grandma and was hurt in a car accident some ten years before was always trying to hit my sister and calling her a bitch. Remember this, in the future you will find out why.
School worked out to be good, because they were still in elementary and in a small town. The people were nice and not critical of how you looked.
I remember always waiting for mom's payday and getting a small toy. It was something mom always did religiously for us. Nothing more! There were meals to provide, clothes to be bought, and other necessities, but me and my siblings understood. We were simply happy, to not live life wondering where and when we would be just picking up and moving again. We finally had a place we could call "home".
Next week, you meet Bob(1) and get to experience my first gay memories.
I was enjoying my early teen years, living in Coal Run, Ohio. Me and my family have all made friends and mom had met a man named Bob Miller, through a friend at the Nursing Home. He came up about every weekend and took us to the race track. It was a lot of fun and I thought he was a great guy and a father figure to look up to.
I had made a good friend in Coal Run. His name was Jeremy. He was tall, slender, dark haired and we did everything together.
One Saturday, we decided to go catch crawldads and minnows in the creek below my house. We were walking the edge of the creek bed until we came to a large wading pool. Jeremy then suggested that we go skinny dipping. So, we did. Then after our romp in the water, we laid out on the rock soaking up the rays of the sun. Jeremy laid on his back exposing eight inches, standing straight up. This caught my attention. I couldn't resist any longer, I reached over and touched it. No complaints at first, then suddenly Jeremy jumped up saying "I'm not gay". Needless to say, this was my first male to male experience and I was craving a lot more. I could not understand my attraction and felt that there was something wrong with me. After the incident, Jeremy and my friendship fizzled out and we never hung out again.
Soon after this, my family found themselves in a place in Beverly, just ten minutes from Coal Run. Guess what, it even had running water, a bathtub, and a working toilet. We were all ecstatic. We were still attended the same school, so the people were still nice to us, regardless of our economic hardships.
We made a couple of new friends who lived around us. One was Terry, a teen about our age. A guy who would continue to play an active part in our lives for a long, long, time to come. At this time, my sister had a crush on him, and Terry even had one on her, but I kept it a secret considering he was my best friend and didn't want that coming between our friendship. Terry truly was a great guy and he was seriously into high tech bicycles, a mongoose. If I remember correctly.
The other friend, me and my siblings made was a strange woman who lived next to Terry. She was a sweetheart and really into God and taught us a lot about God's word and all he does for us. She had mentioned saving us, and we all agreed it was something we wanted to do.
I could not believe the overwhelming sense of feeling cleansed and the strong bond I had with God at that moment in time. I truly recognized my faith and knew that God would have an important role in my life.
Life had certainly been looking up for me and my family. Next week, Mom gets married, the first fight, and the start of an active teen life.
Broken Promises
Child hood memories, for most people, are filled with happiness and the love of family and friends. I only remember sadness and broken promises.
This week, I want to spotlight my father. You have all painted images of this man in your heads from previous editions of this column and my disappointing accounts of his antics during my childhood. My relationship with him have always been in question. Dad only made promises he could never keep. My heart had been broken on several occasions. I feels that this may have a great deal to do with my attraction to men. However, I knows I was born gay, but certainly attributes much of my attraction and appeal as something that was missing in my life growing up.
I have always longed for a male role model or a father figure, someone I can love in a plutonic way; someone I can hug and feel an unconditional connection with. Throughout my life, I have continued to pour my heart and soul out to my dad. Every time that I thinks we have ultimately achieved a relationship status, my father disappears.
The day of Eyton Bonner's death and upon the release of my father from jail, I truly lost all respect for my father. His comment about there being “one less Nigger in the world”, was the point of realization and acceptance for me. However, it was my father’s actions, the day of my liver transplant surgery that takes the prize for the worst single memory of my father.
I called him just two hours before the surgery to make sure he would be there when I woke up from the operation. Earlier we had made plans two months in advance, Dad supposably booked a flight and things were ready to go.
As always the promise was broken. I almost died and I wanted my dad with me, in case something went wrong during the surgery. When I awoke after the transplant, my heart sunk and I began to wonder, what happened to keep him away, is he okay? Then like a ton of bricks, it hit me. My dad only had time for me at his own convenience.
At that point, I closed the door on our relationship. For a father to not go to the hospital to be with his son at a moment like that, proved to me that is no father at all.
Although I continue to take my dad’s phone calls. I have closed the door on making plans, and verbally express my lack of faith in my father’s promises. “Either just do it or leave it out of our conversation lingo.”
I will never give up hope to find a father figure, but to count on dad, that would never happen.
As you see, my relationship is a void in my life. If you have a loving father and a continued relationship, hold onto it, it is truly a treasured gift and one that is worth working on.
Boulderdash to Waterford, Ohio
Last week you found out my true feelings for my father. This week, we get back to Beverly.
As you know, things have been going rather well for me and my family, but over the next few weeks, me and my siblings get a big surprise. Mom met a man named Bob, and she has fallen in love with him. She brought him to our house for the weekend.
Our first impression, was one of an old man always with a budweiser in his hand, also a truckdriver. Being children, we didn't see the red flags that were popping up all over the place.
About a month after we had met him. Mom had dropped her kids off at grandma's for the weekend, and took off to Vegas and married him. He, soon after, moved in with us.
Things went well for a couple of months. One day in the summertime, Bob had too much to drink and started arguing with mom. The next thing you know, he is chasing her through the hallway. She heads for the back door to jump out of it when he catches her by the hair. He had her dangling from the back of the trailer by the hair on her head, so Igave him a shove forward, causing him to drop her. She gets away from him, and we all head out to grandma's for the night. To our dismay, we went back to our home with Bob the very next day; hoping this was a one time thing but we had seen this pattern before.
While I was the oldest, now 13, I never did anything, but listen to music, pop music, and wrote down the weekly top forty each and every weekend (religiously). His sister had started down a reckless path, she had met this guy in his early 20's who got her in his car, needless to say he took her virginity. This wasn't discovered by me until some ten odd years later. However, the first time I had seen her get out of his car, I told my mother and she went crazy on Lynetta. At that point, Mom knew it was too late to stop it.
So, Mom decided that she could stop it by relocating us; this time to Waterford, Ohio. It was a mere five minutes away but this guy would not know where we moved to. Not to mention, Mom threatened him with stagetory rape charges.
The worst thing about the whole deal was us having to change schools and that Bob would be moving with us.
Next week, I fall in love for the first time, and make a best friend. My popularity and social life explode.
What a time for me! I begans to experience life in a way I never thought possible. The acceptance that I had longed for. Before school even started in late August, I went to the fair over the weekend, and winded up being with one of the cheerleaders on the hometown team. Her name was Pam Miller. We just kissed, held hands and flaunted each other on one another's arm. If you recall, Terry Hayden from the last story, he too had moved over to Waterford. So, one of his best friends was already attending the high school. He knew he would fit right into that social group with Terry Hayden on his side.
Before I knew it, Monday was here and the first day of school was about to begin. The butterflies were fluttering in my stomach, but at 7:45am, Terry came through the door extending an invitation to go to school with me. So Me and Lynetta did just that.
School was different this time, Terry took us in, introduced us to everyone. He was a social-lyte so to speak. He was the proverbial bad boy of the school. He was a real trouble maker there, and he had a name for himself and everyone who was anyone wanted to hang in his clique and needless to say, me and Lynetta were already in it.
After the first day of school, I had meant a girl named Teresa. A real shy girl, a real country type, who seemed to draw my attention. I soon after, got the nerve up to ask her if she wanted to go steady. We dated for an approximate month, and I had went to her house on a few occassions. I even kissed her a couple of times, but I really thought that I was in love with her, but I think I fell in love with the idea of having a permanent girlfriend. However, after a month it seemed Teresa was not happy with no sex, or nothing more than holding hands and kissing and broke up with me. Soon after, Lynetta became best friends with Teresa, go figure.
I then reached out to things in Waterford, friendships and beyond. I was a pretty smart kid in school. I soon met a kid in my class by the name of Ralph, a football jock not overly intelligent but very appealing to me. He was in his fifth period Math class, and I sat by him every day in class and finally reached out and started helping Ralph with his math and often doing his homework for him. We were building a friendship.
Me and Lynetta became friends with Tammy next door, and they had introduced us to parties on the weekend. This is where we began to drink, in this little town where there was nothing more to do. So, one night out running around I suggested to a buddy of mine, let's run over to Ralph's and say hi. We did, and when I arrived Ralf asked me if I would want to come out and stay the following weekend. I got all excited and told Ralph sure, and inside I was estatic, my heart was racing. Ralphf was everything that everyone wanted in school and I was out to embark in a real relationship with him. I felt so lifted up.
The next week, through the course of the week Ralph and me wrote notes back and forth. We had confided in one another and ultimately decided that we were best friends, and no one else was as important as the other. This was the first time, I really had a best friend. I mean Terry was great, but there was something different about Ralph. I wasn't sure what it was but there was something.
I had begun to drink a lot and only ran around with guys who were attractive. I remembers many nights of drinking and some of the guys staying the night at my house obliviated and being so confused about my sexuality. I was curious about them, wanting to see their naked exposed bodies. I had seen a lot considering guys just pull it out when they are out drinking, not worrying about other guys seeing it. So, many nights when they would pass out, I would unzip their pants and look in their pants, getting hot and aroused. I often, came very close to getting caught but never did.
As my drinking didn't let up, and I hung with straight men, I had to date girls and kiss them but never going any further. I drank to hide who I was and dated to do just that. My popularity was soaring and my experiences at school and outside were at a real high peak.
My parents knew that we were drinking outside of the home, riding around drinking. So, to protect us, they sat us down and talked to us. They told us if we want to drink, we can do it here, where we are not at risk. So, needless to say our house was the place to go on the weekends and even through the week. Since, Budweiser Bob would go buy it for us anytime we wanted.
Life was good and I was so charged with finding a place that I really felt comfortable and a place I could call my hometown.
Next week, I take you to many of my party nights and my school woes, and even more on The Ralph friendship.
As BJ, Mike and me headed back. BJ hit some loose gravel and lost control of the ATV. She hit a road sign, sending each one of us in every possible direction and knocking us unconscious for several minutes. Finally, standing up was Mike, his shoulder was hurting immensely. BJ then appeared up and moving with her side hurting. They then found me, I was still lying motionless til they shook me and I started coming to. I too, was having side pains. We were left stranded and helpless and had to make a track to the nearest house to ask for help and an ambulance.
Upon reaching the hospital, BJ was released from the hospital with minor injuries, I was released the next day with bruised ribs, but Mike would spend two weeks in there with a broken collarbone. We never lived that weekend down.
At school, my popularity was growing, but me and Terry were clowns and loved to make our classes laugh. We would do it at the teachers expense. We would taunt one Home Economics teacher, who would just say boys behave even when we would shoot spit wads and hit her in the back of the head. Then there was Ms. Grove and we hated her with a passion.
We would do things like turn everything in her room upside down and even go as far as glue her ass to the teachers chair. She never needed to ask who did it. It was always , “TErry and Terry, go to the office.” We, of course, got seven days out of school suspension. She thought that would give her some time away from our antics. Boy was she wrong?
We decided that they would have a party on my rooftop during each day of suspension; the house was right across from Ms. Grove's room. It was hot, so she had to leave the classroom windows open. We would taunt her, hollering "Ms Grove, we love you", while tipping a beer to her.
Three days into the suspension, she made the mistake of driving by my house, I dropped my pants and mooned her calling, "Kiss my ass, Ms Grove". Not surprising, when I returned to school I was kicked out again for another 7 days.
After the two weeks were up. It was time to make my first trip to spend some quality time with Ralph. Next week, You find me very excited and about to ride the bus home with him.
That year was just great for me. The infamous Ranch (my house) was where the party was. Many nights of ‘quarter bounce’ and ‘up and down the river’. Anyone who was anyone frequented my house.
One night I met this girl named Bobbie Jo, sure to be a lesbian in the years to come. She and I instantly became friends. We were chatting one night at her house, and somehow the subject of Ralph (my secret crush) came up and she suggested "let's jump on my four wheeler and go see him. He's not far from here." We did just that, and it turned out to be one of the best and worst of nights.
One night I met this girl named Bobbie Jo, sure to be a lesbian in the years to come. She and I instantly became friends. We were chatting one night at her house, and somehow the subject of Ralph (my secret crush) came up and she suggested "let's jump on my four wheeler and go see him. He's not far from here." We did just that, and it turned out to be one of the best and worst of nights.
However, I did get some alone time with Ralph and he even suggested that I come out the next weekend and spend it with him. I was ecstatic and became very happy and warm all over. At this point, nothing could bring me down or could it?
As BJ, Mike and me headed back. BJ hit some loose gravel and lost control of the ATV. She hit a road sign, sending each one of us in every possible direction and knocking us unconscious for several minutes. Finally, standing up was Mike, his shoulder was hurting immensely. BJ then appeared up and moving with her side hurting. They then found me, I was still lying motionless til they shook me and I started coming to. I too, was having side pains. We were left stranded and helpless and had to make a track to the nearest house to ask for help and an ambulance.
Upon reaching the hospital, BJ was released from the hospital with minor injuries, I was released the next day with bruised ribs, but Mike would spend two weeks in there with a broken collarbone. We never lived that weekend down.
At school, my popularity was growing, but me and Terry were clowns and loved to make our classes laugh. We would do it at the teachers expense. We would taunt one Home Economics teacher, who would just say boys behave even when we would shoot spit wads and hit her in the back of the head. Then there was Ms. Grove and we hated her with a passion.
We would do things like turn everything in her room upside down and even go as far as glue her ass to the teachers chair. She never needed to ask who did it. It was always , “TErry and Terry, go to the office.” We, of course, got seven days out of school suspension. She thought that would give her some time away from our antics. Boy was she wrong?
We decided that they would have a party on my rooftop during each day of suspension; the house was right across from Ms. Grove's room. It was hot, so she had to leave the classroom windows open. We would taunt her, hollering "Ms Grove, we love you", while tipping a beer to her.
Three days into the suspension, she made the mistake of driving by my house, I dropped my pants and mooned her calling, "Kiss my ass, Ms Grove". Not surprising, when I returned to school I was kicked out again for another 7 days.
After the two weeks were up. It was time to make my first trip to spend some quality time with Ralph. Next week, You find me very excited and about to ride the bus home with him.
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