September 2007
9/7/2007
This week I want to take a break from 1987. I would like for you to get to know another special person in my life. This person has been an inspiration and someone who has made me the person I am today. I often take for granted that she is still with me, but it does not change all the love I have in my heart for her.
I want to express my love for my mother. I have experienced the best and worst times with her. She raised me to understand others and gave to me everything that I would need to make the right decisions in my life.
I often wonders why as a teenager I did some of the things I have done to my mother. I only know that I am sorry for all the times I acted out in rage because of hormones or medications. It is never easy growing up and dealing with a teenager. I only wonder how she did it. I want the world to know that my mother has been through hell and I am glad to have her living now with me. It makes me feel as if I will be able to take care of her when it comes time.
I remembers many good times with her. I remember times as a child, only having my mom to wipe the tears from my eyes when the world had let me down. She would even take her last dollar to get me the smallest of toys but the BIGGEST to me, because we were hard pressed. I just know that we could not have grown up without our mother doing it on her own.
The time that I treasures the most, were the nights of depression after finding out that I was going to die with the liver disease I had if I didn't get a donor. I would talk of committing suicide, but my mom would console me and convince me to fight. The most treasured and show of unconditional love was when I had the transplant. My mother lied in a recliner beside my bed for the thirty one days while I was re cooperating. I mean what a show of faith and love. It is something that I will never forget and will talk about until my dying day. The uncomfortable circumstance.
I realize that in my last days of the hospital I started to take things out on her, but they say you take it out on the people you love the most. I truly love my mom more than words can say and would be lost without her. She has been an inspiration and a friend. Without her I believe that I would not be with you today.
I want to dedicate this weeks column to her, and want to tell her I loves her and that no matter what life brings. My house is her own, and when she needs me, when age has taken it’s toll, I will be standing there with my arms open. I will nurse her back to health and I will provide the loving care that she has given me throughout the years, and when our time on earth is through, there will be no one I cherish more.
9/14/2007
First Love
As we head back to 1987, I had finally gotten the chance I has longed for. Some real quality time with his new best friend Ralph. I rode the bus home with him that Friday night and we had a blast together.
I remember Ralph's home life consisting of chores and after six free time. So, during the day Ralph and me helped Earl (Ralf’s step dad) build their soon to be house. I remember Ralphf wearing no shirt and his six pack stomach that just drove me wild, not to mention the slaps on the butt and all. My infatuation was growing and growing.
We had such a great time and we were becoming so close, that over the next few months we spent every weekend together. When Ralph's mom had finally given him the okay to go into my house and stay the night. Ralph and me had went out with some friends, got drunk and came back to the house. We laid in the living room watching videos, and Ralph had jokingly said why don’t you suck my dick? I said chuckling, lay it in my mouth. When I closed my eyes, Ralph had done just that, but because I was unaware that he was going to, I bit down on it. Ralph was lying there saying man that hurts, I said I can make it feel better. So I started going down on him. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, my mom came down the steps while I was giving him head. I freaked out, she walked away in disgust and saying "Stay away from you, you are nasty". Ralph just laid there on the floor laughing. We went to my room and slept. The next day, I went to Ralph's and didn't come home for a couple of months. at this point it was Summer time, so mom gave me the okay to do just that.
We had gotten so close and played around many times but never went where I wanted it to go.
We had such a great time and we were becoming so close, that over the next few months we spent every weekend together. When Ralph's mom had finally given him the okay to go into my house and stay the night. Ralph and me had went out with some friends, got drunk and came back to the house. We laid in the living room watching videos, and Ralph had jokingly said why don’t you suck my dick? I said chuckling, lay it in my mouth. When I closed my eyes, Ralph had done just that, but because I was unaware that he was going to, I bit down on it. Ralph was lying there saying man that hurts, I said I can make it feel better. So I started going down on him. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, my mom came down the steps while I was giving him head. I freaked out, she walked away in disgust and saying "Stay away from you, you are nasty". Ralph just laid there on the floor laughing. We went to my room and slept. The next day, I went to Ralph's and didn't come home for a couple of months. at this point it was Summer time, so mom gave me the okay to do just that.
We had gotten so close and played around many times but never went where I wanted it to go.
After about eight months of never spending a minute away from each other, our school friends had started noticing the closeness between us and this scared Ralph. Ralph waited til the following weekend when I spent the night again like I usually did. We were sitting on the couch and Ralph said after this weekend, I think we should stop hanging out, people are suspecting what’s going on. I just freaked out, told his step dad to take me home. I cried all the way home, Ralph was my first love.
For months after this, Ralph had begun to talk with the others about my feelings for him and acted as if he took no part in it. So, the kids started calling me faggot, dick sucker, anything to make me feel bad. They were all forcing me to pull myself out of the crowd and making me feel isolated.
The popularity went from being everyone’s friend, to having just a few he could even call friend. It got so bad that I was being threatened. I finally couldn't take it any more and quit school. It is scary to think that someone you considered friend could just turn their back on you. I only knew that Ralph still thought about me too, by the way he looked at me when giving the chance.
I had went from being with Ralph every day to a life of drinking. I knew now that the only social life I needed was to forget about Ralph. So, I began drinking and enjoying the nothingness I felt when on a good drunk.
Next week, we walk you through the destructive path that I journey down.
What Next?
After having my heart broke, I headed down a destructive path of drinking with buddies out of school who were unaware of my situation there. I was drinking every night hopinh to supress and hide the pain.
I was having a good time and staying numb to the heartbreak. I even started kissing girls to hide my true self. When Ralph had started experimenting with girls from school, it always got back to me. This got me to want to, go out with them after Ralph had been with them, just because I knew that he was the last one to be there. It was kind of sick, and you could even say I was stalking in a sense, but the first cut is the deepest.
I continued to struggle with my feelings and decided that I could not deal with mys true self. So I packed up and moved to Huntsville, Alabama where my dad was.
Upon arriving there, I was like any normal 19 year old male. I was roofing for my father. I was building up a nice body, and boy was my hormones kicking in. The only problem was I could not find any other gay men in the area. Until I went to a pool hall and overheard a guy talking about a place downtown, where gays rode around and met others.
Needless to say, the next night after work, I ventured over, and about fifteen minutes into it. A car hit it’s lights and waved me into the parking lot. Me and this guy sat and talked for quite sometime. He finally asked me the usual questions: Are you seeing anyone? Do you want to go for a walk tomorrow night?
So, anyway I met him. We got along good. He was cute just not my type at all. He was boyish, no body hair or face hair. I knew that I liked manly men. So, everytime we would kiss, I felt nothing. anyway the guy that I met had mentioned going to this gay bar called "The Vieux Carre." We went and I warned him," if you take me in there, it might be our last date." So we went and I was right I broke it off immediately.
I had a ball that night, meeting so many other gay men like me. I knew I was living the right life and that life in Huntsville was going to work out.
A few weeks went by and I had continued going out on the weekends and making a lot of gay friends and acquaintances. They had started calling me at my dad's house. Finally, my dad just came out and said" Boy, how come the only thing that calls here for you is men, are you gay or a little funny?" I just turned to him and said as a matter of fact, "Dad, I am." Remember this is the father who is very prejudice and seems to not like a lot about life and differences in people.
Anyway, check back next week to see what happened. Life takes a big turn for me.
I sat on that couch, wondering what scenario would play out. When my dad finally came back into the room, many things went through my head. Would I get my ass kicked or would my dad tell me to move out. You know from the past that my father is very prejudiced.
Dad finally made his return. He came in and sat down beside me. He then said, "Son, I love you regardless, I just want you to be careful, there is a lot of Aids out there!" To my amazement, he was very supportive.
After their conversation, I even boldly asked him and the step mom if they would like to go out with me the next weekend. We did, and we had a wonderful time.
I had introduced myself to a world I never thought was out there. A community that welcomed me and loved me for who I am. Of course, I was a fresh face and from another state, so it made me very attractive to everyone.
I began to love my bar family and visited each weekend. One night while playing pool and drinking, this guy walked by with the cutest ass in the world and I just blurted it out to the guy. His name was Tim Hone. He said "thanks." We introduced ourselves, and spent the whole night talking about every aspect of our lives.
I had finally met someone who I felt whole with. I just wondered would this be a one night stand or could it be the love I so longed for?
Find out next week.
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