When friendship blossoms
(Finding Love, Is it right in front of you?)
Seeing you a dozen times before, I never seen things as clear as I do now. It makes me want to get close to you, to understand your deepest, darkest fears. I fear the inevitable, the unknown, so I watch from a safe distance.
I find myself often sitting and daydreaming, to a place where I can shut the world out and drift away to a world where we can be together. You fill my head constantly but yet, I can not say a word. In this dream, I drift off to realize that everyone disappears and only the two of us remain.
I can hide behind the friendly faces but I can't hide from my heart. The truth is I am done defending myself and hiding from the reality that coarses through my veins. I honestly never thought that I had more to give after being crushed in love so many times before. Yet, I stand here with my hand out waiting for someone to take it and start this new journey of love and life.
I find myself often drinking to hide the hurt I feel inside, and to find a place to escape the feelings, the ones I hold deep down inside. Not only that, I wander bars many nights aimlessly, looking for you but to my dismay, nothing! While I agree I have made mistakes along the way. I remain in tact, knowing that when I love someone, its forever and there is nothing short of that.
My wish is to find a place where we can escape to a world where its just us two, somewhere that no one knows us and we can express ourselves freely and see where we truly stand. I know there is so much to say and alot more to be done. Don't you trick me out cuz we can overcome. We should have it all, its just us getting in the way of pure happiness. When will you see that friendship too, can blossom!
The Impossible
There are often times when we expect things not to happen the way we would like. The impossible things like meeting someone, having sex and nothing panning out more than friendship. When it happens, we ask ourselves all kinds of questions: Am I not good enough? Was I not sufficient in the sack? Am I too old for them?
But in fact, shouldn't we think of the good from it. The sexual desire and the passion of one night. Also the possibility of a kindling relationship building a friendship that could last a lifetime. Just because you can not work as lovers, does not mean you can't work as friends. Sometimes our emotions and friendly chat can give us the tall tale signs that there is more there than just friendship. So, like everything in life we take chances to see what results from it.
Just because what we wanted from it doesn't pan out, simply does not mean that there is still not a substantial reason to keep the person in your life.
I have not only came across this in the love department but also as acquaintances as people who I can see in my life. Recently I have been subjected to both sides where I had to reevalute relationships with people to see where they truly fit in my life. One was taking advantage of me in many ways, he was cock blocking me or getting in the way of possible love interests. While the other, I saw as an acquaintance and someone with whom I could party with but probably never build a true close friendship with. Even though, we hang out I do not feel the true bond forming because he is new to being around gay men.
I see that he is trying to see that I am just one of the guys but the gay issue comes up alot. I believe that he knows I am a friend to him and I truly am. I truly think the world of this guy but I think he believes there are alterior motives there. While I do find him attractive, and potentially what I seek in a straight to gay relationship. He is my friend and I would NEVER react on it as long as there is no offer on the plate. I truly consider him a very good friend and I would never let nothing come between that.
While I am a fool in what I seek, finding a man who is straight, one who can have a girlfriend as well as me. I believe I could be happy knowing that I was the only guy in a straight mans life and knowing he has a lady at home. I also believe that fearing the impossible and not going for what you believe in is tragic, and we should all set out into the impossible and conquer it!]
Dying
Death comes to us all many times throughout our lives. We all make it such a dismal thing and often take the bad from it. The overwhelming sense of loss but should we not be taking whats good from it.
So many times, our loved ones and friends who are lost are often sick or seriously injured and dying is the best thing that could happen. They have often lived long happy lives and are just ready to meet their maker, so to speak.
While we choose to see it as a terrible thing, but in fact its often the best thing for the individual. There are those who are taken early and their death often comes as a big surprise. Often leaving the family and friends shocked and feeling sad. While the life of someone is judged solely on the way they handle things in it. They are remembered for the way lived it.
I for one think that we should throw a party or be happy that they have passed to the other side. They are about to start a new journey and one of great happiness with our lord and saviour. I see, it as a chance to remember the individual and how they were in life not death.
It is about remembering all the good times with that person and the light in their eyes when they were at their best. For me, funerals are a somber look at what has become of them and a chance to mourn. However, I believe the oppositte, I think that we should relish in the fact that they have been accepted in the kingdom of God and will forever be happy.
In loving memory of Bob Croston, the only dad I have ever known...
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