Testimony
This week, was a testament of things to come. Over the past two months, my billirubin or liver functions have been elevated. This means, one of two things, either I am having liver problems or I am in some sort of rejection. Both of which can be treated but nonetheless, it can scare the daylights out of you.
Anyway to make a long story short, I had to make the trip to Pittsburgh Wednesday and get a biopsy to see what exactly is going on with it. I just pray for the best and expect the worst.
The trip up was fun, I spent it with two of my closest friend Kenny and Zack. We left at 2AM, Wednesday morning. It was cool to have them with me, although at the same time I feared that the doctors would think they are drinking buddies and I definitely don't want to give them any reason to think that I am drinking again. With the possibility of something being wrong.
Anyhow, I got there and at 6:17AM, I went back into a room and had my blood drawn. Then laid around until 9 am when I went back for my biopsy. I went back and thank god it was Dr Joe Martin back there. He is an excellent doctor and knows how to get a piece of my liver without totally messing things up. He did, however, have to take two pieces since one was nothing but fatty tissue.
Nonetheless, it went well and fairly easy without much pain. I then went back to the room and at 10:20Am, they took me down to ultrasound. There I got to see the guy who always does them on me. He was looking at the blood flow, size of my liver and spleen, and everything checked out okay. The best thing of all was the fact, that he told me that my hepatic artery and liver is functioning better than he has ever seen it before. So, I was happy as hell about that but still concerned about my billirubin and what can be wrong. Is it auto immune hepatitis again and does the waiting game start again? I am hoping and being positive and thinking that it was just from the recent bout with a cold and flu I had a few weeks back. The verdict will be made over the next few days and as I find out, you will.
The only two positives that came from the day was the ultra sound and I got to spend some time with two friends who mean alot to me. More than that though, I didn't have to say much at all and they were fine with that. No one knows the impact and the endless torture waiting to find out can be. I am tired of being sick and tired, if that makes any sense.
One positive can be taken and that is July 20th, when I get to finally be with the love of my life
My future looks good for now and the transplant bought me a lot of years up to this point, so with that being said, My life in a small town is certainly turning out to be something special to me or at least something of solid foundation and maybe a reason to actually call a few people FRIEND!
I understand if it's easier because you already have your group of friends who you know, but why would it hurt to get to know someone else new? Would it hurt to expand your social circle? If it's not that, it's others continuing to apply labels to you-- if I haven't been called the "weird guy", then I've been called nerdy, out-there, geeky, just too nice or way too mature! (yes, I have), and even "too diverse". Why does most of the human population continue to act like they're perpetually stuck in high school and never seem to grow up?
I have recently noticed the world to be so cliquey and so afraid of venturing outside their comfort zone to get to know others who are different than themselves. I can't understand what is wrong with others being different than we are.
I believe the world to be such an interesting place and to see so many different people of every color, nationality, personalities, those economically challenged and those that are just down right poor. Does this give you the right to treat them any differently than anyone else?
I believe the world to be such an interesting place and to see so many different people of every color, nationality, personalities, those economically challenged and those that are just down right poor. Does this give you the right to treat them any differently than anyone else?
I think not! These people deserve to be treated with respect and should be considered to be an equal to you regardless of their clothes, whether it says Tommy Hilfilger or Hollister on it.
You would think each one of us would want to learn about new people, things, places and even make a few new friends along the way.
My entire life I have been exposed to all sorts of people and places. I moved alot so I needed to learn to adapt to where I was and learn. Unfortunately though, the learning process was hard and making new friends was almost impossible because of people continuing to be so cliquey and not allowing others in their circle of friends.
I understand if it's easier because you already have your group of friends who you know, but why would it hurt to get to know someone else new? Would it hurt to expand your social circle? If it's not that, it's others continuing to apply labels to you-- if I haven't been called the "weird guy", then I've been called nerdy, out-there, geeky, just too nice or way too mature! (yes, I have), and even "too diverse". Why does most of the human population continue to act like they're perpetually stuck in high school and never seem to grow up?
You've for the most part answered most of your questions yourself. Society, depending on the culture, such as Western culture, depends on group involvement, team cooperation, and if a person, either a native who lives there or a transient such as yourself, is not adaptable to these groups or the group won't let you in, it's not your personal fault. I experienced a lot of this. I tried to get into football in HS and it worked for awhile. Later though, it was apparent I didn't belong. My being gay started to show and they shied away from what they did not understand. I was either ostracized or ignored. I know where you're coming from. You just have to be brave and try to be as genuine and empathetic as you can and just try to form a friendship. I wasn't the smartest kid but I ended up developing a very close friendship which lasted many years after HS well into our lives and it was with the craziest guy in our HS.
Human nature is to identify with a small group. It takes some adjusting to open it up to outsiders. However, the more mature people are, the more flexible they are about welcoming new people. So you are probably meeting some rather childish people.
My advice this week is let others in, whether or not you like the clothes they were, their weight, or even their looks. You may find a wonderful soul inside just busting to get out. Open your heart to the possibilities of finding a best friend in quite possibly the ugly duckling, so to speak...
Best Friends
I have had the chance to experience life and see what true friendship is all about and those who can truly be marked as such. Life experience begins to weed out both the good and bad people in our lives. Recently, I can attest to that. For those of you who know me, know that I had a liver transplant. Once I arrived in Pittsburgh for it, I never heard from any friends or acquaintances as I like to call them. They all seemed to only be party buddies or pals while out. There were only three true stand outs who stepped up to the plate and remembered me at the time that I had needed it most.
One was someone I had known since I was 15, Bobbie Jo Ross. Her and I grew up together in Waterford, Ohio. She not only sent cards but she made the track to Pittsburgh to see me. She had seen me at my worse though, she came at a time that they did not expect me to live. My hepatic artery had been crushed and bound over, where no blood was getting to the rest of my organs. Not only that, my kidneys had shut down, so my balls were the size of grapefruits and black and she had seen it. Bobbie Jo was a complete mess and I do not blame her for being so upset.
She and I had a great relationship from the age of 13 until now. We had our fights but we always got back to being best friends like so many times before. I helped her when she was coming out of the closet as she helped me too during this process. We have come full circle now and were still friends, I love her to death.
She and I had a great relationship from the age of 13 until now. We had our fights but we always got back to being best friends like so many times before. I helped her when she was coming out of the closet as she helped me too during this process. We have come full circle now and were still friends, I love her to death.
The only bad part of our friendship came after she had come and seen me in Pittsburgh. I think it scared her so bad, that she really believed I was going to die so she pulled herself away from me and I believe that she kinda blamed herself for me having to get a liver transplant. She had nothing in that and if it did root to my drinking problem before. I am the only one who tipped the drink up and sucked it down. So, no one is to blame but me. Anyhow, we see each other every once in a while and we get to experience and see the changes in each other but the closeness just isn't there like it used to be. I think that just attributes to the fact, that we spend no time together outside of events. I just want her to know that I love her and I think of her often and my song to her is still "Wind beneath my Wings."
The other two were ex's, Mike Mankins and Rob Priddle. They had sent me cards while I was in Pittsburgh and Mike made the vigorous trip up to see me every day he had off and then some. I know that both these guys loved me and still cared for me as friends or why would they care enough to say anything at all. It is nice to see that we all remained friends through it all. They will always hold a place in my heart as friends.
Then there are friends from the past I must mention, not in great detail since we no longer see each other. The reason why I want to mention them is because they are still dear in my heart. Here they are:
Lisa Lichlyter, Jeff Mulligan, Tony Smith, Bobby Mason, Jennifer Milechek, Sabrina Craig, Ralph Wells, Julie Heiss, Ivan Arnold, Larry Henry, Terry Hayden, Chris Lackey, and Rex Cole.
Then there are those who are present in my life now and have a deep impact on it. Some I would like to mention are: Joey, Morgan and Matt, Nikki, Jerry, David, Chris, Tim Bonnet, Chuck and Rob from Pittsburgh, Roi Stephans, Bryce Mc Conaughey, Danny, Jimmy, Debbie or Dink, Brittany and Katie, Ryan, Chuck or Doc, Ronnie, and so many more.
Then there are my best friends from right now, the ones that I share the intimate details of my life with.
Carl Ball - a dear friend to me who has been there for me through good and bad times. He essentially got me back on my feet in many different situations and you mean a lot to me buddy. don't ever forget that.
Stacey Gabriel - One of the many lesbians in my life but definitely the one who stole my heart at the ripe age of 21 when she first came out of the closet and to think we are still great friends. Girl, you are one of my best friends and I miss you. You mean a lot to me and don't ever doubt that.
Carlissa - I know you are wondering, what about me. I love you girl! You mean a lot to me too and it seems with each passing year we get even closer.
Jim Lawson - A great friend who means alot to me. We have had a rocky road at times but one thing is clear, our friendship stands the test of time. We have been through trials and tribulations but our relationship continues to run strong. I love you Jim, you mean the world to me.
Leeza Zoellers - This lady is one of class and true passion. Her drive to carry on in the darkest of situations has proved to be a testiment to what a strong and powerful woman she is. I love and respect this woman probably more than any I have known in my life. She is a great friend and I look to make many more memories with her.
Dustin Sprouse - a young guy from Parkersburg whos spirit reminds me of a young me. He reminds me of what fun life can be and of the mentality I once had, of when you want something you go out and get it. He is a great friend and I love him to death.
Kenneth Weppler - this individual comes to you from Marietta, Ohio. He is a great guy with a passion for love. While he wears his heart on his sleeve, I look for good things from this guy. He is grounded, educated, and above all compassioniate about his friends and love interests. He pours his heart into every relationship he is in, even so with his loving mother at home. I too love him as a friend and consider him to be one of my very best friends.
Zack Steed - young very sincere man from Parkersburg, WV. A very good guy but tends to forget what is important to him. He let's his emotions take over sometimes and he pays for it through hurt feelings and resentment. He is a very good person who helps to keep me on track with my feelings and makes me see the nature of the best inside me. One thing that surprises me the most about him is the sensitive side of this kid. He truly cares about his friends and his drive to keep them safe sometimes leaves him tired and lacking in spirit. He is one of my best friends and I am proud to have him in my life.
Jeffrey Stump - this guy hails to you from Charleston, WV. He is a great guy who goes above and beyond for his friends. He has also done just that for me with so much help with the Terry Awards and other events. He is probably the most loyal and gifted man I have ever met. His drive for life and pursuit for happiness is inspirational and I truly love him to death.
Wesley Farley - A funny straight forward guy whom I care so much about. He and I used to be so super close then he ran off and got married. I am so happy to know that he found his counterpart in life and wish nothing but the best for him. I just hope he doesn't forget one of his best friends is still here.
Terry Helmandollar - this guy is a character to say the least. He is a great guy from Parkersburg, WV. He is sensitive caring man but also one of the funnest people I have ever been around. His love for life is contagious and he can bring a smile to my face even in the darkest of days. He is one of my best friends and I love him with all my heart.
That brings me to Marshall Johnson. Over the last 5 months, I have had the chance to meet the most wonderful man and got to experience and get to know his life in the most intimate detailed letters of my life. He has caused me to fall in love with him but more than that, I can honestly say I trust him with my life and I love him and can't wait to spend forever with my best friend and lover. August 8th will be the beginning of forever for him and me.
My family too, are my best friends and that wonderfully loyal dog Duke got me through the toughest times. I love them all dearly and thank them for giving me back my life.
The one thing I can say, Friends are great. The old are gold and new are silver but they all hold a very dear and special place in my heart! I love you all!
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Transplant for me brought many things, some good, some bad, and some ugly.
The fact of the matter is it gave me a second chance at life. It gave me a chance to continue to get to know the world and to stay with the people who mean the most to me. While I appreciate the gift of life I have received, there are times when I wonder if it was all worth it.
Just the everyday routine of taking meds every four to six hours. The constant struggle with regulating them and more than that, some of the side effects are worse than the disease itself. I often wonder to myself, when will I get immuned to the medicines? Will it ever get to the point, that my body will get used to the meds I take everyday?
I think the worse part of the transplant was the four month struggle of getting back on my feet. I had to battle myself mentally. Each day, I would struggle if it was worth getting out of bed more. I continued to fight tooth and nail but there were times when bad things would happen, I would want to give up. Right after my transplant, my hepatic artery was kinked inside me so my organs began to shut down almost 12 hours after the surgery.
I woke up nearly 24 hours later, all messed up on pain meds. I just remember waking up with a breathing tube down my throat and begin them to take it out. They couldn't let me, so they sedated me to make me more comfortable. The next week, I was in ICU. They put me there because they had to do several surgeries to see if they could repair hepatic artery. They tried moving it, angioplasty, but nothing seemed to work. With no other option, they had to re-add me to the transplant list and the thought of going through it again was almost too much to bare.
I think the scariest part was a few days after my organs shut down. I had looked under the covers and my balls were the size of grapefruits and they were as black as coal. I really thought that I was going to die at that point. Soon after though, I started to get better and they moved me to step down. During those next four agonizing months, my body and muscles had begun to deteriate. They were saying if I didn't move more, I would start getting bedsores.
The next step was the hardest for sure. I had to start all over like a child again. I had to learn to walk all over again. That was an adventure in itself. I remember the first few steps. I was so winded and the 144 stitches across my belly and up my chest made it mere impossible to stand up straight. So, I walked half crouched over. They proceeded to tell me that I had to be able to walk up 5 steps and be able to lap the hospital floor twice before they would even think of letting me go home.
While I had passed all the tests and accepted the challenges and began to walk again. They still would not let me go home. My billirubin was still running high and my liver functions were showing flaws that told them, a transplant was necessary.
Over the next week, depression set in for me. I began to get mean and didn't want to eat since nothing had a taste. The poor nurse brought me food and I threw it at her. I finally told my doctor, I want to go home. If you do not let me go home, I am going to die in here. He said Terry, you do not know how sick you are.
I said, Yes I do. I don't care what I have to do. If I remain in here, I will die here. I need to go home. I will get better there.
We argued back and forth but he finally agreed but he said it would be against hospital policy and if anything happens its not their responsibility. I respectfully agreed and understood.
So, anyways over the next four months. I went home and had to visit the hospital every three days, four hours away but it was worth it. I was home! While there, all I did was slept and took meds every two hours. On that fourth month though, I had begun to start walking and even getting out some. Just two days before I was in Pittsburgh for a biopsy and ultra sound and they called me that day. I remember it well, they said Terry we don't know what you have done or how it has happened but your liver has turned itself inside you, and this scar tissue that comes after surgery has actually secured and locked your hepatic artery open. As of right now, we are taking you off the transplant list and you are going to live a long life. You are our Easter miracle.
I will never forget the joy I felt inside. At that moment, I had felt overjoyed by the gift that one man gave to me. He was killed in a motorcycle accident in Morgantown, WV but by him offering his organs and checking yes on his drivers license. He not only saved my life, but he also saved 4 others along side of it including a babies. The family has refused to let me know who they are to thank them but if they are out there. I hope they can hear my silent prayer and realize how lucky I feel to have been blessed by having their boys liver inside me even if it was a half. I have been miraculously restored to life. I am living an almost normal life and have more time to spend with my family and friends and I thank their lost child as well as them for raising such a thoughtful caring individual.
Inspiration and Faith
Times were anything but happy when I found my faith in God. My life had taken a turn for the worst, and it seemed that there was nothing left for me to do but die.
I was told sometime in 1997 that I was going to die from a life altering disease called Auto Immune Hepatitis and Cholangitis. Boy, does that seem to take a toll on a person? My first thought was I can handle this. I was so wrong, I immediately went into a self destruct mode, doing everything they told me not to. I started drinking like a fish, hoping I would die on a good drunk. It never did work out that way but I certainly got worse each and every day.
Then I moved to Devola with my mother almost a year later and that is when I started to get my life back on track. I started spending a lot of time with my family and realized I missed the time spent with them and that I could actually be happy without a beer. At that point, I decided that, just maybe, I had a reason to fight.
For me though, I found a special inspiration in a song by Sara Mac Lachlan, and her song Angel. It reminded me that God was here with me. The songs lyrics was like a mirror. It said everything that I felt at that time. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights listening to it.
My inspiration and fight often comes from the lyrical words of a song. They remind me that we are not alone in this world and if we can find comfort in a friend. We can most certainly find it in music.
God has touched my life in some of the most tragic of times but he continues to remind me every day since that there is a reason I am still here. I may not be aware of it but to live life to its fullest and to enjoy what time I have left.
With that being said, just live your life and accept the things you can and can't change. For the world is a beautiful place if you take the time out to see it.
So, this week I leave you with my inspirational song!
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