JUNE 2008
Memories
Past summers flood my memory, visions of backyard football games and the comradery of friends; remembrance of a time when my competitive spirit took flight--a spirit that is very much a part of my everyday life. These memories have instilled a drive in me that makes me go out there and get what I want and need.
It is a time of family, Grandma and that broom that was hooked to her hip. Her spotless house, and food that wowed you with a simplicity that tasted delicious. My uncle Dickie teaching us how to throw the perfect spiral pass and his stories and enthusiasm of his idol Roger Stalback leading his team, The Dallas Cowboys, to championship after championship. It has made me a fan, a die hard fan who loves them regardless of their current record.
A time when the imagination took us to places only in our dreams. I remember being in World War III, spending time on a deserted island and digging for buried treasure, and becoming a vampire and thirsting for blood.
Time spent with my cousins, Shawn and Shelley. We experienced bonds and friendships with them that last a lifetime.
Through personal growth and change, we grow apart, but memories sustain a time of togetherness and a time that serves as a common ground for conversation and family experiences.
Life relentlessly changes and people walk in and out of our lives. One thing remains intact though, a journey that we can visit anytime, a journey to a time when love was easy and life was simple and good and not so complicated.
They can take away our life, they can even harden our hearts, but they can never take our memories. Memories are the base of forever!
After Tom
It was hard to move on after Tom, but with friends, anything is possible. I forgot how nice it was to have someone to listen to me for a change. Terry H. and I became really close, like sisters, to say the least.
We were becoming quite active in the community and building reputations. Nothing bad, just being recognized and making many friends.
I dont think that I have touched on the fact, that before Tom, I was out one night at a bar, met this guy, chatted for awhile and had some chemisty. Well, after Tom and I split. Terry and I were out at Utopia and who shows up? The same gent, and we sat and talked for hours. We had talked about what we were looking for and even made our way to the parking lot. I am not usually so forward, but when there is something I want, i get it.
Anyway, I wish to leave his name anonymous for the soul purpose of saving some people's feelings.
He and I built a real working relationship through phone calls and endless nights on the computer, yahoo to be exact. While I was falling head over heels, he was not ready for anything more than fun. It was my need to fill the void after Tom left and Joe (false name) did just that. We were having sex, but not in the biblical sense yet.
We were cyber fanatics and enjoying the cam option. He was the best friend a guy could have.
I always knew there was no chance at his heart and I really do not believe that is what I was in search of. While he and I continued to go out and see each other.
One night of cybering, lead to us to one night of passion. A night that I do not think I will forget for the rest of my life. It was more than sex, it was just adding to an already existing friendship and something we "had to do".
While the next week, we went our seperate ways and do not talk all that much anymore. However, he and I always will be the best of friends. If he so chooses to be.
During our short lived romance, I made friends with some of his friends. I loved them all, but ultimately, I lost their friendships because my feelings got involved. While I am sorry for what I might have said, it was inevitable.
Next week, I take you to the second annual Terry Awards and some new friends that are sure to be a serious addition to the family I call "friends.
I wanted to take you all back to a 16 year old boy, me. I had a friend who I spent all my time with. He was someone I could not get enough of. He was everything I had ever fantasized about. He was beautiful; the captain of the football team, and most of all, the best friend I had longed for. Just seeing him made my heart skip a beat.
Each day I spent with him our bond grew stronger. It was all new to both of us, experiences with another man. We struggled with the feelings, but the connection was there and we went with it. There was absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for him.
Our bond was not completely sexual, we built our love on friendship, time, and understanding of what we had been through and our common needs and wants. While we loved one another, he was destined to lead the Christian life, but me, I was destined to be gay and free spirited.
We lived life for awhile, challenging fate but change was inevitable. People began to recognize how close we were and just how strong our love was and the rumors began to circulate and that was the beginning of the end.
It finally got so bad, that he took me home and told me that we could not see each other again and that he was sorry for it. He left and that was the last time I ever saw him. Other than at school, across from me in classes and stuff. I finally quit school because my heart was broken and it killed me to see him and not be able to touch him or talk to him. He was, without a doubt, my first love.
Nowadays, on a dresser sits a frame with a photograph of two guys defying the odds with the recognition of a time when we were happy, even if it was some twenty years back.
It reminds me that love can be found in the best of friends and it can happen in the most unsuspecting places.
The best part is that we can relive those special moments. It is as easy as closing your eyes. I go back there often, and it is always nice to see his smiling face and his loving touch.
What I can't get back now, I can in my dreams. Dreams are a wonderful gift, as Ralph was.
Grandma, I hope you have a great day.
I was taught as a child to greet my grandma, and any older person, with a greeting of respect, admiration, and above all a cultural value to be passed on from one generation to the next.
The older people I remember were very strong in what they believed and they lived their everyday lives by those beliefs. It is one very wise path of life that I have learned to follow.
I remember when an older person talked. We, as young kids, sat down and took notice of what they had to say. Now, I sit and remember that they taught me many of the valuable lessons that have helped me through my life up to this point.
Grandma taught me how to work the earth through a garden, and taught me the value of nurturing one. She knew the little tricks on how to prepare a garden, the essential times for planting and just when to water them at the most opportune time.
She helped out anyone who needed it; although, she was hard-pressed herself. There was absolutely nothing that she wouldn't do for her friends and family. Her soul was gentle and nurturing to everyone she came into contact with.
I remember her outside, weeding the garden, and telling me how she would wish it would rain. Then she pulled me off to the side and said, "The only thing you really have to do is pray for rain." It always seemed to work and the rain would follow. She was very much a part of life, and by not being a bystander; the earth and how it worked seemed to stay in tune with my grandmother.
I remember when our grandfather-figure, Chick, died. Grandma always said, "This is no time to be sad. It is a time to rejoice. Death is a only a small transformation of life." Those words have stuck with me through the years.
These are just some of the things I remember, these fleeting images, and few words. I remember her always with a pick in her hair, and a broom in her hand. She didn't have the best of things but they were always kept immaculately.
Today it seems that these traditions and values have gone right out the window. We do not seem to take the time to watch and feel the final years of someone's life, a part of humanity that is forgotten.
I just believe that we should hold tight to these values. We need to speak softly and show respect to others, and to share what we have. We need to pray but not for material things, but for rain for the flowers, trees, and crops.
Sometimes we forget that the body gets weak and that time brings transformation from one life to another. While we do not want to grow old, it’s a process we all must face. Even as older individuals, we have a choice to be young at heart, in our own way, with our own dignity.
I refer to the term," They don't make ‘em like that anymore." That is how I want to be remembered and how I remember my grandma. It is just nice to know we can find them in our dreams, hear them in our reveries. It's nice to know how strong an influence these people were in our lives to leave such a lasting impression. So, as I greet my grandma in Heaven, I will do like I did in the past.
I hope you have a great day, grandma.
Vetoterry@aol.com
As I prepared for the 2nd annual Terry Awards, I could have never have imagined the unique people I would meet and who would wind up being a guy's best friend.
I had been talking to Leeza and Joey for months prior to our awards celebration. Upon meeting them, we all felt a little awkward and unsettled.
Soon afterwards, we started talking and getting to know one another. These two people are wonderful, full of life, and so funny. their personalities.
We cut vegetables and made meat trays, but more than that, theyshowed that they had personalities. owed Leeza was the sweetest person I had ever met. She was sincere and honest about everything,and her passion for life was contagious.
Joey was the more subdued of the two, but after spending time with him ,we all saw a transformation. A man with wit, one who could make the world laugh. He has to be one of the sweetest men I know.
Then came Chuck, a blue eyed cutie, with some small insecurities but a great guy nonetheless. He has a lot to give the world. He was often obsessed with finding love, but he is a remarkable man and a very good friend to me.
So preparations were all complete and we were off to the second annual Terry Awards, where I met Wes. What a character! A great guy with a wonderful sense of humor. He too is obsessed with finding the special mate. He is a ball of fun and one of my very best friends.
I was among many great people that evening, many who are now my best friends.
Captain Ahab, Wes, Joey, Terry H, Seth, Aubrey, Haven, WVCowboy, Dragonkith, Bigheartedfool, Cherry, Toao, Onebuiltstud, Stacey, Tina, Carlissa, Ronna, Komc, Bobbie Jo, Clksbrgbiguy35, Newmelle, Johnlabin, Jesse, her gf, Cee Cee, and oh so many others.
It was the start of so many beautiful friendships. Ones I will not soon forget, nor will I take a chance of losing.
Another positive was having my mom attend. She took the initiative and made me happy being a part of my special day. My love runs deep for my mom. She is my rock and gives me strength just to get out of bed each day. I love her dearly.
There was another special friend I was talking to, Jim. He and I were growing very close and seemed to have alot in common. He also took over the managing editor position of the magazine. A great guy, and someone who holds a special place in my heart. Best friends come in all sorts of packages.
Each person is very different, making them a unique and a definitive part of my life.
These are all some of the special people in my life. We live life through trial and error. I have learned many things throughout the years and one thing is for sure, a mothers love is unconditional.
Friendships that last through good and bad times often result in family like bonds and lasts forever.
Does he love me?
Does he love me?
He walked right out the door. It is unfortunate to know that three years can fade away in a matter of just a few short weeks. No phone calls, no email, nothing. It is obvious that love was never an agenda as far as he was concerned. His love was a love of circumstance and one that was never genuine at all.
An effortless walk away from someone you claimed to love. You walked out that door and didn't even look back. One thing can be said: when you left, you left. Now all that remains are a bunch of unanswered questions.
Why did you go? Did you leave because of the addiction? Did you decide that you just couldn't be what I needed? How can you just leave and not call?
My feelings are this: You are a coward, a cheat, and a liar; one who never cared about me at all.
Either that or I am wired differently than the rest of the world. When I love someone, I love him or her without condition and I love forever. It is all about communication and understanding. I fight for what I believe in and love. I just see nothing left to say other than goodbye and in my heart, I already have.
I was nothing more than a stepping-stone, on your path of destruction. It is sad to think that I could not help you but being there for you from here on out, really is it not an option at all.
I can be a friend; but one at arms’ length. You have taken a part of me, and have definitely made me think twice when it comes to getting into a relationship again.
While I feel that way, I know that I am a strong person and I will recover. I will one day very soon be able to open my heart up to an individual who can see the good in me as I can see in them. I want a relationship based on friendship, communication, trust, and most of all, a common attraction for a partnership. I want someone who will stand beside me, not out in front and certainly not behind me. This individual will walk with swagger, but not so much that his nose flares high in the air. He must be respectful of others and free willing to give a little bit of himself when others are in need.
I just want a man who knows how to love himself, and others too. It is about counting on that other person through thick and thin, regardless of circumstance. He should be the person you wake up thinking about, the one you dream about at night, and the one you pattern your day around. What is wrong with loving someone and wanting to share every aspect of your life with?
I know one day my prince will come, but right now it seems many toads will hop in and out of my life. I know he’s out there; it is just a matter of being patient and enjoying my friends for now.
When we push to find our destiny, we really screw up any chance of finding him. We settle for the first guy who comes along; and who really wants to settle? Sit back, enjoy life, and let him find you for a change.
I just cannot see what good it will do to dredge up old hurts and recent anger. Nevertheless, find a way to productively channel any negative emotions or your resentment, instead of building a wall up around yourself that is impossible to climb.
Does he love me?
bravenet.com