I think I love you
Memories of a man who loved me more than anyone else has. His heart was kind; his soul was pure, with love and feelings for me.
At a time when I was at a peak of maturity, the fine line between losing my youth and looking toward middle age hood; fear of being stuck with someone and being able to find better; unaware that I had the best man, good looking, successful and in love with me.
Trial and error is the key to changing who you are and now that I have, I have yet to meet a man much like him. While I devote my life since to finding a man who wants more than sex, someone who can be in it for the long haul, someone who can sustain a long day with me; it needs to be someone who can enjoy the solitude of our home, someone who can stand beside me in everything I do, even the little wrongs along the way.
During this time period when I had the "one”, I became really ill and was on a lot of medications that truly played with my mind. It was no excuse for some of the horrible things I said and did. The only thing I can take from it is a lesson learned.
He was and still is a great man, one I could see myself falling in love with again. I know this can't happen but I can certainly be his friend. He has found a wonderful partner in life, they have been together damn near 10 years now and going strong.
I have grown so much but remain here waiting for Mr. Right to come along the second time in my life. If he does, he would win my heart and never know happiness like this; if he doesn't, I am quite happy being single and enjoying my friends.
Love is about communication, understanding, and compromise. If you can do all three of these things then any relationship can last. I have learned the hard way, but am happy to say that he taught me a lesson in love and I thank him for that.
When I think of them, I think of a song. One he said reminded him of me, and it goes down in history as his song to me. It is by the Partridge Family, “I Think I Love You.”
I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
like all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knocking at my brain
Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed
Screaming out the words I dread:
"I think I love you!" (I think I love you)
This morning, I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself
And never talk about it
And didn't I go and shout it
When you walked into my room.
"I think I love you!" (I think I love you)
I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way
Believe me
You really don't have to worry
I only want to make you happy
And if you say,
hey, go away, I will
But I think better still
I ought to stay around and love you
Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face:
Do you think you love me?
I think I love you!
This song rings true in my feelings for him then. I Just wish I could have seen what I had before it was too late. You will always remain a big part of my heart and for that, I love you even today.
Lonely
It is a world filled with emptiness. I am only 38 years old and nothing to look forward to. With this mindset, anything is better than the life that I have. No lover, no friend to spend time with; nothing more than an empty feeling down in the pit of my stomach.
I am numb to everything there are no real true feelings from anyone. No one seems to care or even say they love me. Placing no blame on anyone, we all do the best we can, but we tend to lose sight of what is truly important to us. It tends to make a man want to give up and we feel so all alone in the world, often making it impossible to just get out of bed everyday.
Where do you find the courage to go on? How do you let others know about your depression state of mind?
I have visions of being found laying face-down on the bedroom floor, memorial services on Sunday and questions arising like "who will be there?" " Will I go to Heaven?"
The writing is all over the walls, but no one recognizes the signs and the loneliness within.
How do you turn things around? How do you forget the past?
It takes a strong person to battle back and to accept the challenges they must face.
To me right now loneliness is a sign of weakness, it is how we deal with it that ultimately characterizes who we are!
Fishing
I see fishing, not only as a hobby or a sport, but I see it as a time of reflection. I find that spending time at the river's edge is soothing for my soul in many ways. It gives me time to reflect on the chapters of my life. A time to visit times past, and to see faces that have been hidden away in the bowels of my memory.
I spend endless, tireless, hours casting away all the negative things impacting my life at the present time. With each cast, I feel the tightness in my body release, it's like I am casting away a demon and being sent back to earth with a clear mind and a renewed soul.
The tranquility and the sound of the rushing water calms you. It tames the beast within and helps to manifest a state of healing. It is a prescription like no doctor can write.
Nature has a way of changing and impacting our lives in many different ways. Even through the deadliest of storms, after the lightning and clouds disappear, a beautiful rainbow shows its glistening colors as a sign of what's to come.
The world often believes that it is bigger than it is. That we can conquer everything and anything, but she reaches out often, and reminds us that there is no one stronger than she is.
Fishing is not just about catching the largest specimen, but it's about reflecting on your life and also about building memories with the people closest to you. Fishing is without a doubt, a primitive sport that has been passed down from generation to generation. Generations. Creating memories with the ones you love, and what can be more important than that?
Call me when you're sober
Things you say and do, do not even make sense; your thoughts are scattered; your emotions are on overload; you are feeling disconnected and all alone in the world when you are battling an addiction. You try to rationalize your life with verbal and physical abuse, but what good does it do? It causes more hurt feelings and the possibilities of being tossed in jail.
Your addiction has caused so much pain, it wasn't what you set out to do. It was a mistake you made, but needs to be corrected promptly.
I know you have many daily struggles with it, but none as difficult as saying 'no.' There are just too many skeletons in your closet, people come out of the woodwork, offering you a way to get a hold of that drug of choice. Can you not see that they are only hurting you?
You call me when you are drunk and high, telling me you love me and need me, but when you are awake and sober you say nothing.
The good thing about it all is the fact that you can change if you want to. Once you recognize the problem, you must work out a program to recovery. Step-by-step, you can take control of your life. Accept the challenges at hand; face each one with the will God gave you, and rise above and defeat your addictive personality.
Once you do this, I think that life will began to open many doors for you. The things that you continue to strive for, but can't obtain because of the power of the drug. I think your first step to recovery is to Call me when you are sober!
To be young again!
Days past but not forgotten; times I treasure, and hold dear to my heart.
While my childhood was emotionally trying and physically draining, I came out of it a survivor. A family life and events that no child should go through; the endless ranting of my father, and the physical abuse my poor mother had to endure, it is amazing to me, that I turned out okay.
Sure, many people could say that is why I turned out the way I did, with no father figure to steer me in the right direction. My mother did the very best she could do. With all our resources and fine tuning on moral values and family traditions. I have ended up being the best of what was potentially possible, regardless of sexual orientation. Which I believe has in some way made me more liberal-minded and certainly more passionate about things.
I remember my teen years with great fondness. Remembering weekends of endless partying, quarter bounce, and cruising on the back roads. It was a fun time, and a time when I began to notice my attraction to the same sex. Often hanging out with the hottest of men, and being curious about their bodies. In the summer, was my real chance to see if my attraction was real, with each one of them running around shirtless and taking a leak by car. I have to admit, I couldn't help but peek.
There is nothing I treasure more than my ninth grade year. I was popular and school was a blast. I fell in love with a man for the first time and had my heart broken in the same year.
First experiences with a man and the overwhelming feeling of finally being complete and knowing for the first time in my life who I was. Being gay has always been a part of who I was, it just took being with a man and having feelings for one to make me realize that being gay is not a disease or a problem, but a natural and normal part of development.
These days I cherish my youth, not only for the memories I made, but more importantly, for developing a sense of self and embracing who I was as a person.
There is nothing more important then developing social skills to maintain working relationships with others, and I cherish each person in my life whom I have called a friend.
What I would give to have a chance to venture back into my past, and
to be young again!
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