February 2008
The Internet, Jodi, and What Next?
This was a very strange time for me. My brother had dumped the best girl he had ever had to this point. She was a Christian girl; the only thing was that she was heavy and he wanted something more. After they split, she and I got very close and she moved in with me. We were inseparable, but at this time, I had a major addiction to the Internet. I spent 12-14 hours on it.
We had met many people and had some crazy experiences. The wildest was Dirk from Charleston, a leather man who thought he was going to come hang with me and dominate me. He wishes.
He got to the house, we had a few drinks; and I wanted a man. So, I took him to my room, threw him on my bed and took what I wanted. He was very surprised by the things I did.
It was a blast.
I was still having a lot of difficulty getting over Rob; but with the new job and Jodi living with me, it made things better. I really didn't have a lot of time to myself to think about things.
Some six months later, I had decided that I had been in the state for too long. My next excursion away from home was back to Florida, this time with my dad.
I got there and he was chasing his ex-wife to get back with her. So he left me there to care for his house, but left me a hundred dollars a week. That got me nowhere. He didn't leave me a car or anything. I did have access to the Internet, so we threw a lot of pool parties. They were huge successes.
I finally met this guy in a wheelchair and since I had dated every type of man before, I thought maybe since he was handicapped, he would treat me better. That was farthest from the truth; he was truly messed up in the head. I guess because of all that had happened to him.
Needless to say, I got out of there as quickly as I could. This time, the journey took me racing home back to Devola, Ohio, with my mom.
Next week, a new beginning: single, but lo and behold, another man comes into my life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Clarksburg, Here I Come!
I had moved back to Devola, Ohio to a trailer park. Yes, you can call me trailer park trash.
My mother had lived there for two years prior, to my running off the last time. She invited me to come stay with her until I got back on my feet. During this time, my grandma had decided she could no longer live in Devola, it was to far away from her doctors. So, she had offered to sell me her trailer for a thousand bucks. I, of course, jumped at the offer.
In the meantime, while waiting for them to move. I had begun talking to Mike on the internet. I even invited him to an aol camping trip, we were having. When we got there though, we were the only two who showed. Since I rode up with him, we decided to stay anyway. You can guess where it went from there.
After our camping trip, we started seeing each other every weekend. I had began working on my trailer and some 6 months later I was just about to finish it when Mike suggested that I come to Clarksburg and live with him. I really did not have a lot keeping me there. Mom's health was good, so I jumped at the chance.
It took about two months to get adjusted. He had two children who would soon become my own. Crystal and Mark meant everything to me. We were really coming into our own. Our homelife was exceptional. I protected those kids and treated them like any mother would. I loved them from the bottom of my heart. Both kids had grown very attached to me. I let them make their own decisions but watched with a careful eye on what they were doing. I always made sure I knew were they were, even when I knew it wasn't the best of situations. You have to give children the chance to learn from their mistakes and they continued to do so.
After about a year, things had started to spiral out of control. Mike was playing on the internet, I could tell because I was not allowed in the computer room when he was on it. I put up with it for about six years, him sneaking out in the middle of the night and all. I wanted to raise our children up to adulthood. They were my rock, and I could not leave them.
Plus I really did love Mike but was it enough? I had finally decided that it was best I move out. I decided to rent the house right next to him. While at the same time, I had been talking to a neighbor friend of mine, Jimmy. Who had become my confidant. I could tell him anything and he would offer me sound advice. He was a great friend. We helped each other through some rough times.
I had taken one to many beatings from Mike. I still can't believe some of the violent rampages he went on. He even hit with a chair in the yard one time. I ran up to Jimmy's and he stopped Mike from hitting me that night.
I still loved Mike, but with violence stepping in. I knew now that it had to end.
We had spent over six years together, the wonderful Christmas's, the camping trips, the family gatherings at the house, playing volleyball in the yard, and creating ponds. Times I will treasure but also a few unpleasant.
See what happens next. Adios for now.
Wow!
The next step was gaining some independence again, I had found an apartment on the other side of Clarksburg. Mike and I still saw each other on occassion, but I was making a stand for myself and becoming my own person again. I was seeing my best friend Jimmy too, he kept me from going crazy from being alone.
I stayed there for quite some time, but Mike and I had talked about getting back together and moving back to Ohio, Belpre to be exact. I was definitely wanting to move on with my life, so we went and found a nice place there, but when it came down to it. I moved in on October 1st 2003. Mike, however, decided to stay in Bridgeport with his family.
We were still seeing each other and having a long distance relationship.
On January 26th, 2008, about 10:30 am, I got a phone call from the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. It was my liver transplant co-ordinator they had a liver and I needed to get there within in the next four hours. I was getting ready, called my dad to tell him I was going into surgery and he said he would be there when I awoke. I knew, however, that he wouldn't be. Sad to say, but it was true. My sister and mom made a mad jet to Pittsburgh with me.
I remember when they wheeled me downstairs into this hallway and just left me there. Telling me someone would be with me momentarily. I bet it wasn't five minutes until a nurse came, but I tell you I had felt like I had been left in a morgue. There was no one around and it was freezing cold down there. When the nurse arrived, she pushed me into a room and told me the doctors would be in soon. Again, I was left there looking at all those instruments they would be using and for the first time, I realized this was going to happen. I got scared, but hopeful at the time too.
They finally came in and put a mask over my face and told me to breathe in deeply. So, I did just that and it wasn't a minute until I was out.
During my sleep, I had a dream or should I say a battle going on inside me. It was two dragons, one represented good, the other bad. I remember them fighting a long time, but when the white dragon won or the good one, I remember a white light coming on. I was walking away from it and I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was God's hand, he turned me toward the light and I walked into it. I then awoke, an emotional basketcase from what had just occured, but realizing that God had been with me the whole time. The doctors and my family was there. They even said I was the quickest person to wake up and I would be getting out of the hospital very soon. They moved me to step down.
Once I arrived there though, the only thing I remember is sitting into a chair and talking to my family and then everything went dark. I then woke up some two days later, they said that my kidneys had failed and that my hepatic artery was not getting any blood to it, because it was kinked and that they were adding me to the transplant list again. Devastated to say the least, I laid in ICU for over a week, had been through angioplasties and nothing was working. So, when they were able to send me to step down, they did just that.
I was there for over three weeks and they weren't sure when they would get me a liver, so they were just watching my condition very closely in there. I remember one night I had been moved to a different floor, and my nurses had forgotten about me all night. I had just got out of a surgery, my kidneys or balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits and I couldn't control my bowels. I was beeping the nurses, because I had to go to the restroom and no one came. So, I ripped the IV's out of me and dragged myself across the floor to the toilet I had to go so, badly but before I made it, I crapped all over myself and passed out in it, in the middle of the floor. I laid there all night in poop and my own blood. The next early morning they came in, and I was flipping out. I told the doctor I wanted moved off that floor, he said no this is the best we have. I, of course threw a fit, but they left me there.
I had finally had enough of the hospital, I was crying all the time, depressed and wanted to go home. My doctors said "no Terry, you are way too sick to go home". I said " I will die here then, I can't take it anymore." We argued a long time, and they finally agreed to let me go, but not under their approval with the agreement that I come back every three days. I said yes, of course.
I went home and followed their schedule up and back to Pittsburgh every three days. I laid on my couch for almost three months. On Easter Sunday, they called me and it was right after a visit I made up there. They said Terry, you are our Easter miracle. However, you have been lying. Your liver has turned itself inside of you, opened up your hepatic artery and scar tissue has trapped it open and you do not have to have another transplant. I was estatic to say the least.
It was a long road to recovery, but with my sister, mom, and Mike on my ass, I slowly got better. They even made me go to the mall in a wheel chair and so yellow colored. No one recognized me, and it was extremely hard to breathe and I itched all the time.
I look back now and thank God for letting me live. I know I do not have alot, but I am just happy to be alive. God has rekindled something for me, and that is the love for myself. I see now, there is still a lot of good in me and that I still have something to offer the world. So each day, I say thanks God and challenge anything that is thrown out on me. Only thing is I come out on the winning end now. (SMILES)
For a year after transplant, I dealt with itching because my bilirubin was still high. I was improving but not back to the point where I was before surgery. It might have added some years to my life but certainly not the quality of life, like I had hoped.
Nonetheless, I was alive. I was getting a chance to spend quality time with my niece and nephew and it looks like now, I will get to see them grow up. I have suffered many drawbacks and probably close to thirty rejections, but nothing severe enough that they couldn't reverse the effects with medicines.
The hardest things for me were the mental effects of the transplant. Always wondering when the liver would stop working or if I might grow immune to the medicines. I was always wondering and expecting the worst. I catch myself always trying to put it all in the past but wind up living it all over again. When I do this, it makes it very clear to me that I would not go through it again.
The desperation I felt, wanting to do the things I could before transplant and realizing that I would never be back to the man I was before. I am always stretching myself to the limits since, fighting. I guess that is the one thing that came out of it all, my will to survive and closeness my to God I could have never imagined.
One of the after effects seems to be the way I hold nothing back. If I feel it, I say it regardless of circumstance. That can be a good thing, but it can hurt a lot of feelings as well.
One thing that gets old is the endless popping of pills. Each pill helps maintain a working system for me. Without any one of them, it could substantially result in the ending of my life. So, I have had to treat my prescribed medicines as a part of my religion. It is something I must do, to maintain a normal functioning life.
The transplant definitely signifies life and that is what I'm continuing to live. God gave me this chance and I will make the best of it.
It took me over a year to really get back on my feet, but the itching lasted almost a year and a half later. I had finally hit that pivotal part where things were getting back to normal, or at least as normal as they could. I had started living again; spending time with my family and building back to real intimacy with them. I even started making new friends, this started with my neighbors who lived right next door, Derrick and Erica. Then it slowly started on the internet, the first of many was my friends were Terry and Steven.
While my frienship with the neighbors got stronger, their marriage began to fizzle out of control. I think it was happening long before I even started chatting with them. Me and Derrick hung out alot, played basketball, nintendo, all kinds of things. The only drawback to these days was the , almost monthly, liver rejection I suffered from. A prednisone drip and things would turn back around and I would start feeling better.
My friend Terry had been inviting me to go out with him and his lover Steven for a long time, but I always declined, since you do not know what kind of nutcases are out there. I finally, after a month, agreed to go with them and we had a awesome time. They got familiar with my web site and I was slowly building a real strong connection with Terry. We hung out all the time, I even convinced them to move into a trailer that was right across the yard from me, but then I met Tom. They warned me about him right from the start, but you know what they say: "you got to learn things for yourself". He was cute, so I went for it.
I took him home one night and he never left. The first two months were great, we got along, had fun and enjoyed one another. The only draw back is when he started calling home more and more, and he got back around drugs. At this time, I had no clue what a habit he had for them. He was sneaking in town with his mom and coming back to my place completely screwed up out of his head.
I started seeing the addiction for what it was, he would do anything for his next drink or pill. He even did some sickening sex acts that still turn my stomach when I think about them. I was being played a fool, and was putting up with it. I really did love him. The thing is, I had the magazine going strong and thought I could change the world. So, of course, I thought I could change him, but you know what they say, "a leopard can't change his spots", or can he?
I thought he was quitting, I even went to some meetings he had at Westbrook. Everytime we went though, he would threaten his sister and she would give him pills just to protect herself. He had such a strangle hold on his family. He continued to choke the life out of everyone around him, including me, who was now falling apart at the seams. I was realizing that I was losing a sense of who I was and I did not like it, but I continued to hope and struggle with him and his addiction that took total precedent even over me.
He even, at some of the worse times of my life when struggling with illness, would go to the hospital with me and go downstairs to meet his ex girlfriend and get pills from her. I remember many times, having to leave the hospital worrying about what he was doing. I still struggle with the past, its hard to let go of something that consumed your life inside and out.
Next week, do things get better or worse.
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