August 2008
The One
I have been stuck in a rut for so long, I wasn't realyl sure how to get out of it. I had begun to give up on love, and swore off men. That is when I met "him."
That first look and that connection of the eyes that draws you in, making you want more. Then you accept his advances with conviction, but yet a gentle and persistent touch.
I felt like I was drawn together with "him" to explore him more. My desires were taking over, and I was ready to go to the next level. He makes the first move and kisses me. I hesitate, not being with anyone else besides the ex in well over a year. I decide to accept, but place a lot of emphasis on whether or not this is a one-night stand or one that can potentially build into something real.
I kiss "him" and feel that vibration and tingling from my head to my feet. My body trembles with the desire of being with someone new and accepting that you are about to physically connect with another soul, inside and out.
You quiver with each touch; the testosterone and the erectness makes you lose your thoughts of inhibition as well as all sense of anything else other than becoming one with this person.
The physical connection is complete; you collapse into each other’s arms not sure what comes next. Were you a one-night stand or could this be the "one?" Will he soon reach over and grab his car keys saying, "Thanks but I really need to get doing" or do you lie there and talk all night?
Well, we lie there all night and talk. I think we both realized that there was, in fact, a connection and a reason to get to know the other person more. Then you spend the better part of the next week together, further developing feelings and exploring each other’s lives with common interests and intrigue. Both of us realizing we are looking for the same thing, what do you do next?
Well, we realized through the last five days we are comfortable together. We enjoy each other’s company, and are sexually compatible as well as emotionally connected. He is confident in himself while I remain on the side of caution, afraid to get hurt and questioning everything.
Finally though, realizing that you cannot control a person but you can certainly make "him" aware of your thoughts on everything. You tell "him" nothing but the truth and accept that two people can build from communication and being upfront with each other.
I think when you are open with someone about everything, you can only benefit. You leave no questions of the relationship, and certainly no surprises, so what the hell can be wrong with that?
Then after the first five days, and spending more and more time together. You realize that he in fact is exactly what you are looking for, and accept and are happy to think that he could be "the one."
I was diagnosed in 1997 with a disease called Auto-Immune Hepatitis, a non-contagious form of hepatitis. This is a disease where your immune system finds a part of your body as a foreign agent and destroys it. They tried controlling it with prednisone and immunosuppressants. It worked for awhile, but the side effects that come with these medications add many limits to this thing we call life.
The Big Picture
For me, the big picture has always been finding that special man that I can spend forever with, complete with all the trimmings, of course! White picket fence, dog (Duke), one or two kids and enough money in my pocket to keep going.
I have found success in love not by looks, money, or popularity but through personality, charm, and individuality.
For some reason though, most of the men I have chosen until now have not been as adequate in the brain department as me. Some of them, with attention disorders, anger issues, and some just plain stupid.
While I see the other side of the dating spectrum, there always has to be a physical attraction to assert a level of intimacy between my partner and me.
Looks are like 20 percent necessity in the relationship I seek; while another 60 percent equates for personality and their own personal list of morals and values; then the other must be 10 percent sense of humor; and the final 10 percent goes to inclusiveness with my family.
I have seen many relationships fail because of entanglement of family and failure to accept them for their own.
In order to fit into the big picture, you must fit a certain mold, a molding of personality, desire, family values, morality and above all a sense of spiritual bliss with yourself.
So, for true happiness in a relationship you can't fully love another until you can love yourself! Positive Reinforcement Are you feeling used or downright “unsexy”? Do you feel like love has just walked right out the door? Have you just begun a relationship and not getting from it the love you think you deserve? Do you tell your partner or do you let it build up? I have been taught that positive reinforcement can mend many things, including feelings of abandonment, overall sex appeal, and just feelings of negativity. When with a partner, it's especially important to maintain a degree of the feelings as in the early days of dating, back when things were fresh. It is beneficial because it makes your partner know that they are still sexy and someone worth loving. With our fast paced world, it's very easy to forget the days of new and the experience of getting to know someone. One thing, that many people do not realize is that each and every day we, as people, continue to change and if we do not communicate with one another, we do not notice or even acknowledge these changes. So, how can you discuss changes and learn to deal with them or come to a compromise if you don't talk about it? A hug, a kiss, or even just running your fingers through your partner’s hair can often soothe a hurtful thing that has been said or done. To err is to be human. We all make mistakes; it's learning from them, that shows character. Tonight when you go home to your partner just reach over, hug and kiss them and show your love for them and the fact that you are glad they are in your life. You will see what an impact that positive reinforcement can have on your life. Try this simple tool and see how beneficial it is to a relationship. For me, it has showed nothing but results! I took a long look in the mirror today and didn't like the person I saw standing in front of me. I saw someone who is dependent on others, someone who attaches himself to love, or to his equation of what he believes is love. I saw a reflection of nothing more than pain, a face with no words, no thoughts, other than feelings of guilt and anger. This is not because I have again screwed up another relationship, but because I let myself fall head over heels in love with someone, long before they even gave us a real chance at getting to know each other on a much more intimate, passionate level. This reflection that I see is one of loss. It is a loss of realizing that relationships are not like they were twenty and thirty years ago. When you have a problem in a relationship, you work at it! You don't take the first bus right out of Dodge. That tired face I viewed signified a face of nothingness. I see a face that realizes, after 5 long hard relationships, that I have come to the realization that my heart is becoming immune and numb to the after effects of breaking up. My mind wants to go on and on with a relationship because it's what I was taught. I have some how lost all hope of truly finding a once-in-a-lifetime love. I continue to love someone, but not as I once did with the same passion and mystery I had as a young boy growing into a man. Those days are lost to me, and the only thing I can say with any certainty is, "I want a love, a life, a genuine connection with someone." I know that I am a somewhat jealous person, but it is only because I care. From the sordid past that I have been through, you too would began to watch your back long before the cheating and lying ever gets started. It is about recognizing potential troubles long before they start, and what the hell is wrong with that?" One thing that is for sure, my heart is still up to find Mr. Right, but right now, I am quite content to know I am finding nothing but the Mr. Wrongs. With each passing prospect in my life, I find contentment in knowing that when Mr. Right comes along, it will be forever, and I will finally find my happily-ever-after!
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